The Ghost Of My Heart
by Hiruma
Summary: After Touma goes byebye, Seiji starts seeing him everywhere and he kind of goes insane ... Rated PG-13 for insane Seiji


The Ghost Of My Heart  
  
  
//"SEIJI!!"  
  
The door wouldn't open, it had to be locked from the outside. Fuck, who would lock the  
door from the outside? It was the only way out of the building that he could use without  
having to go through the fire.  
  
"SEIJI!! ANYONE! HELP!!!"  
  
No matter how hard he pounded, the door wouldn't open. The room was filling up with  
suffocating smoke and it was unbearably hot with leaping flames. The ceiling began to  
cave in, beams that supported the roof crashed into the blaze. Spark flew everywhere as  
the fire raged on.  
  
"Oh god ... I'm going to die ... Seiji ... Please help me ..."//  
  
================================================================  
  
The day was beautiful, the sun rose up into the bright sky that stretched out like a giant  
ocean over head. Not a single white or gray cloud marred the endless blue above. The  
birds chirped cheerfully from their perch in the trees and small, cool drops of morning  
dew were evaporating on the blades of green grass. The perfect start to almost anyone's  
day.  
  
Hiding underneath rumpled covers of the bed was a young man, who peeked from under  
the blankets to glower at the window. He ducked back under the covers and turned his  
back to the window. Even though he had closed the drapes the night before, they had been  
pushed aside, letting in the glaring light of day. Yet that always happened. A lot of  
unexplainable things happened around the house. But the young man had an explanation  
for it all, however he didn't say so, he knew the sympathetic look that his friends would  
give him.  
  
He shivered at the ghostly sensation of someone tracing light patterns on his back.  
Sometimes they were random patterns, sometimes it felt like it was spelling out words.  
The man never did turn to see what was causing that feeling, he knew that he wouldn't  
see anything on the other side of the bed. Except for the empty side closest to the window  
and an unused pillow.  
  
A small sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes. There was no reason for him to get  
up today. He still had time off from work and most of his other responsibilities, no one  
thought that he should have to deal with that kind of stuff now. As time went by he didn't  
get better though, only worse. Nothing seemed to affect him.   
  
Except for the ghost the haunted his mind, soul, heart and house.  
  
The shrill ring of the phone cut the silence of the room like a hot knife through butter.  
The man made no move to pick up the phone.  
  
RING!  
  
RING!  
  
RING!  
  
And now the answering machine would pick up the message. Probably one of the greatest  
inventions of mankind. Well, only when it didn't screw up the message and make it all  
disoriented so it sounded like the person was speaking in another damn language. And  
now in any second his depressed little message would come on.  
  
~"Leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you if I get out of bed."~  
  
BEEP!  
  
~"Hey Seiji, it's Ryo ... I know you're there ... Anyway, you've gotta get out of bed, man!  
Shin wanted me to invite you to dinner tonight ... Just give me a call, all right? Take care,  
Seiji ..."~  
  
Perhaps he would get up today, the thought of a meal cooked by Shin was tempting, no  
one could cook like Ryo's boyfriend. But he always liked Touma's cooking better, even if  
it didn't taste or look as good, it was made from love, from wanting to surprise Seiji when  
he would come home late. Touma couldn't cook anymore. Seiji was no longer tempted to  
get out of bed.  
  
Reaching over to the other side of the bed, Seiji ran his hand down the mattress, over the  
jumbled sheets and blankets. He could swear that he could feel Touma's body under his  
hand, the firm muscles of his chest, the softness of his stomach and the silky, warm skin.  
His breath got caught in his throat, the feel of Touma's fingertips gliding down his cheek  
echoed in his mind.  
  
He tried not to let it get to him, but how could he when there was the constant presence of  
Touma's soul all around him? Once he had mentioned something like this to Shin, and  
his friend suggested that he move from the house that he had shared so many happy years  
with the one he loved. The idea horrified Seiji, he didn't want to give up his home, even  
if Touma's spirit followed him like his own shadow. There were too memories in every  
room, he could never allow a stranger to dwell in it, to tarnish the memories that had been  
created in there.  
  
================================================================  
  
//"SEIJI!!!"   
  
Wailing of a doomed man mixed in with the sound of the crackling fire. The pounding on  
the door was weaker, each hit came farther and farther apart. He couldn't breathe, the  
smoke was smothering him and the heat was roasting him alive. Slumping against the  
door that wouldn't open, he broke down into heavy sobs.  
  
No one was going to get to him in time. He was going to die in this god forsaken  
building, there was so much he wanted to do though. He and Seiji had so much planned  
for their future, everything had just started going right for them. After battles with friends  
and family for acceptance, after bitter fights, after struggles to stay together, they had  
finally come out on top. This couldn't happen now.   
  
"I don't want to die ... Seiji ... Where are you?"//  
  
================================================================  
  
The water was hot, stream rose up and fogged up the small bathroom. Seiji stood under  
the spray of water, unmoving even though it burned his skin. He didn't care that it hurt,  
he actually had gotten used to it by now. He did this to himself everyday, every time he  
took a bath, wondering how this measured up to what Touma felt.  
  
"This must be nothing compared to the pain you suffered that night, Tou-kun." Seiji  
whispered to himself, fondly saying the pet name he had given his lover. He always used  
that pet name more often than Touma's real name, or at least when Touma was alive he  
did. Nowadays, he just spoke the name Touma, using his lover's pet name often stirred up  
too many memories.   
  
Looking down at his hands, he noticed the bright red skin was starting to peel again. It  
wouldn't take long before blisters would form on his arms from the heat. It was like being  
scalded by a pot of boiling water, except the water kept coming down and Seiji did  
nothing to save himself from the pain.  
  
He still stood there, long minutes ticking away at his life, till a strong hand wrapped  
around his arm and yanked him out of the shower stall. Wildly looking around him, Seiji  
saw that no one was there. No one was there with him, no one had ever been there, not  
since Touma left. Laughter began to bubble up in him, a cackling, psychotic laughter that  
tore from his throat in short gasps, making his shoulders shake.  
  
"No one is fucking here!" Seiji giggled madly. "YOU HEAR ME, TOUMA!? NO IS  
FUCKING HERE!!"  
  
Leaning against the counter, he reached over and wiped the mirror so he could see his  
reflection clearly. The image in the mirror was not his own. Azure hair, pale skin and  
stormy blue eyes stared back him for a second before fading away into his own wet, blond  
hair, empty, gray eyes and sickly white skin. Screaming in rage and grief, Seiji struck the  
glass with his closed fist. Over and over again, pounding it as hard as Touma must've  
pounded that god damned door. That god damned door that wouldn't fucking open for  
Touma.  
  
Shards of glass flew in all directions on the first impact. His cheek was cut open, but he  
didn't notice, he didn't notice the blood covering his hand and arm, he didn't notice raw,  
sheering pain that must've been running through his body, he didn't notice was the soul  
standing in the corner of the bathroom, gazing at him with sorrowful eyes.  
  
Seiji couldn't comprehend what he was doing or why he was doing it. Finally he  
collapsed onto the cool tile of the floor, staring blankly at the counter. His body shook  
violently from the blood he was losing and the sudden cold in the room.  
  
"Touma ... Touma ... Touma ..." He chanted to himself, not knowing that he was saying  
the name of his lover. Tears rolled down his cheeks, first few at a time, then they came  
down faster.  
  
The spirit moved from the corner of the room to where the man was sitting on the ground,  
dark red blood pooling on the tiled floor by his arm. A transparent hand hovered above  
drenched, golden locks. Both man and spirit stayed like that, unmoving, silent except for  
the eerie mantra the man could not pull himself out of.  
  
================================================================  
  
//Everything was blurry, his limbs felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each, he no  
longer could breathe. His skin was badly burned, he would've been in horrible pain, but  
his body was totally numb. Flames danced and leaped in front of his eyes, the teeth of hell  
were flickering at his feet. He never thought that he would go like this, not like this. He  
wanted to die peacefully when he was an old man, in the arms of the man he loved most.  
Instead, he was alone, trapped in a burning building.  
  
"Seiji ..." The name barely slipped from his dried and cracked lips, his tongue was barely  
able to move. "I love you, Seiji ..."  
  
Tears rolled down his cheeks. There was a loud bang from above. Just being able to raise  
his head, he saw one of the beams of the roof come falling down towards him. For a  
second, he felt the large beam hit him.   
  
Then there was nothing.//  
  
================================================================  
  
Studding the bandages that covered his hand and arm, Seiji sat limply in his chair in the  
living room. In front of him was an angry Shu and Ryo, both ranting about how stupid he  
was, that Touma wouldn't want him to do that, that he was wasting his life. Hell, Seiji  
didn't even know why they were there to begin with. He just remembered Shin bursting  
in the bathroom and then he started screaming for Ryo. Their furious words fell deaf upon  
his ears, Seiji was preoccupied with looking at the chair across the room.  
  
That was Touma's chair. The soft, blue chair that sat next to Seiji's seat, that had a  
perfect view of the TV and out the window. Sometimes both of them would snuggle up  
together on that chair and the day in each others company. Even now he could see Touma  
sitting there, curled up with a blanket and a book in his hand, though the blond didn't  
know if it was his mind playing tricks on him or if he was really seeing his lover there.  
But it was just like Touma was still there with him. A smile almost reached Seiji's lips.  
Yet something in his mind tried to remind him that Touma was gone, Touma had been  
gone for a long time.  
  
Seiji didn't want to give into reality, this own little world of his was much nicer. In this  
world, Touma walked around the house, doing his normal routine. Touma was alive, his  
smiles brightening up the room and his loving words soothed the inner turmoil inside of  
Seiji. His friends wanted to take him out of his world though, they wanted him back in  
reality.  
  
Reality bad ...  
  
Very bad ...  
  
Why couldn't they see that? That he wanted to be left alone, to be able to cling onto the  
memory of his lost love. Seiji didn't want to go back into the real world again, he knew  
what was out there and it wasn't any better than being closed up in the house that once  
had two occupants rather than just one.  
  
"Are you listening to me?!" Demanded an angry and frustrated Shu.  
  
Seiji made no sign that he heard his friend, his eyes were glazed over and he had tuned  
out the entire world. Frankly, he didn't want to hear what his friends had to say to him, he  
knew what it was about anyway.  
  
"He looks tired, maybe we should take him to bed," suggested Shin.  
  
Seiji didn't even realize that Shu had picked him up and took him into his bedroom. He  
didn't feel the cool sheets being tucked to his chin. Nor did he notice the soft kiss Shu  
planted on his forehead and the whispered words of concern and encouragement his  
friend gave him.  
  
The only thing that caught Seiji's attention was the reflection of blue hair in the window.  
Funny, Seiji had drawn the drapes this morning, now they were open again. Funny.  
  
================================================================  
  
//Seiji's heart was pounding hard in his chest. He had been watching the news when they  
reported an office building going up in flames. As he had watched on, he saw that it was  
the same building that Touma worked at. The blond had ignored the speed limit and hit  
the gas as he drove down the building.  
  
"He has to be all right, he has to be ..." Seiji whispered to himself, pushing his way  
through the large crowd that had built up over time. Once he got to the front, he was  
stopped by firemen and police officers, telling him to get back, it was unsafe.  
  
"Did anyone come out of that building?" Seiji asked, panic rising in his voice.  
  
The police officer shook his head, "None that we know of. It's too dangerous to try and go  
in there right now."  
  
"Please! My husband is in there! You have to go in and get him!"  
  
"Is this some kind of joke?" The officer didn't look the least bit amused.  
  
Unable to handle the situation very well, Seiji punched the officer across the face and ran  
towards the building. Tears stung his eyes at the thought that his love was trapped inside  
there. A cry of anguish ripped from his throat when others came to stop him. Seiji  
struggled with all his might, his tears falling from his eyes, gray with hysteria.  
  
"NO!! Touma's still in there! Someone has to go get him! TOUMA!! TOUMA!!!!!"//  
  
================================================================  
  
Sitting on the floor of the living room, Seiji flipped through the photo album. Touma was  
very enthusiastic about taking pictures and then organizing them into albums, his lover  
believed in treasuring every memory. And Touma had hoped that one day they would  
share these memories with children of their own.  
  
There were pictures from past birthdays, vacations, holidays, their wedding. So it really  
wasn't a legal wedding, but they wanted to make it as official as they could. It was small,  
only their close friends and family came. That was one of the happiest moments of Seiji's  
life.  
  
Slamming the album shut, the blond stuffed them back into the bookshelf where they  
were usually kept. The house was dead silent and it was beginning to get to Seiji. Did he  
used to always complain to Touma to keep it down so he could meditate or something  
like that? And once he had his silence, Seiji couldn't stand it.  
  
Going over to the stereo and selected Touma's favorite CD, Seiji put it in and turned the  
volume all the way up. Even with the music turned on, the house still seemed unbearably  
quiet. Making his way to the kitchen, the blond turned on the dishwasher, the microwave  
and oven. It was still too quiet. So he turned on the TV and put the volume all the way up  
too.  
  
It was almost better now, the house was filled with sound, almost like there were people  
living in there instead of just a lonely, grief filled man.  
  
Then everything turned off.  
  
Blinking several times, Seiji tried to comprehend what had just happened. He wondered if  
he had blew a circuit, it wouldn't have been the first time. Seiji was just about see if the  
stereo would turn on again when the CD player opened by itself.  
  
"Touma?" Seiji asked, his voice, thick with emotion, wavered.  
  
The CD player closed and the stereo turned on again.  
  
Seiji screamed.  
  
================================================================  
  
//"I'm sorry, Mr. Date, we found his body trapped under a beam."  
  
"We could hardly make an identification on his body, it was burned too badly."  
  
"They found him by a door, he tried to get out, but the door was locked from the outside."  
  
"The fire had been determined arson, but no arrests have been made nor are there any  
suspects."  
  
"The police will look into the matter, though I don't think they'll find whoever did this.  
They covered their tracks well."  
  
"Seiji, Touma's dead."  
  
"I want to see him."  
  
"Seiji ..."  
  
"I want to see him."  
  
"You can't."  
  
"I want to see him."  
  
"You won't be able to recognize him. Don't do this to yourself."  
  
"I WANT TO SEE HIM GOD DAMNIT!"  
  
"... All right ..." //  
  
================================================================  
  
"Today has marked one whole year without you, Tou-kun." Seiji said flatly, he stared  
across the dining table. He could swear that he could see his lover at his usual seat. "One  
whole year and it's been hell."  
  
The spirit across the table just stared right back at Seiji. It made no move even when Seiji  
got up and started pacing around the room. The blond kept fidgeting with his hands,  
unable to keep still from very long. His body shook lightly and his eyes kept looking  
around the room, as if he knew that something was going to spring out of nowhere at any  
second.  
  
"Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me?" Seiji's voice was filled with pain and  
his eyes stung with tears. "Why did it have to be you?"  
  
The spirit offered no answers, like usual.  
  
"WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU!?" The blond screamed, his fist punching a hole in  
the wall. Falling to the floor, he sobbed out all of his emotions; loneliness, grief, sadness,  
anger, pain. He cried for his lost love, he cried for his loss, he cried for the person who set  
the building on fire that got away, he cried for the last time.  
  
================================================================  
  
//"Seiji ..."  
  
"Don't, I want to do this."  
  
The young, blond man walked up to the table. On it was the body of his lover, with a thin,  
white sheet draped over it. Swallowing, Seiji reached for the sheet, but his hand froze. He  
had to admit that he was afraid of what he was going to see, yet he gathered enough  
courage and yanked the sheet away.  
  
Behind of him, Ryo let out a cry and ran out of the room. The police officer  
accompanying them turned her face away. And all Seiji could do was stare.  
  
What was once white, soft flesh was now charred black. Bright blue hair had been burned  
away, even his stormy blue eyes weren't spared from the furry of the inferno that had  
raged in the building. His skull was crushed in from where the beam had hit him. The  
body looked more like a blacken skeleton with chunks of seared muscle clinging onto the  
bone. This was what was left of Hashiba Touma, Seiji's one and only love.//   
  
================================================================  
  
Picking himself off of the ground, Seiji began to giggle madly, his body convulsing with  
each heave of his breath. When he managed to calm down again, the blond reached for  
the glass cup on the table and smashed it against the wall. This caught the spirit's  
attention, as it got up from its seat at the table and made its way to Seiji. It looked  
strangely at the blond as he picked up the largest shard of glass.  
  
"Without you, Touma, I have no business in this world."  
  
The spirit was frantic now, shaking its head, knowing what Seiji was planning to do.  
  
"I ... I can't stand it anymore ... But it'll be okay now, everything will be okay now."  
Gripping the glass tightly in his hand, it cut deeply into his palm. Then he tore at the skin  
of his wrist with the glass, ripping the veins and muscles all the way down to the bone,  
however he didn't seem to notice. And he did the same with the other wrist, before laying  
on the floor, giggling again.  
  
His blood began to pool around him, his life slipping farther and farther away from him.  
To Seiji, it was okay, he would soon be with Touma. They would be together again and  
nothing would separate them.  
  
Suddenly, Touma's face was clear in his vision, though he wasn't smiling with joy as  
Seiji had imagined. Touma's face was twisted in a mixture of anger and sorrow.  
  
"You fool, you god damn fool," Touma cried, his hands clutching onto Seiji's shirt. His  
handsome face then faded away from Seiji's view forever.  
  
  
  
Depressing?? Sad? Twisted? Makes you want to punch me in the face? Well, I don't  
blame you.  
  
I would like the thank all the people who've made me miserable, if it wasn't for them, I  
wouldn't hav the anger to write such a ficcie. I would also like to thank the man I'm in  
love with, even though he likes other men. And lastly to my ex-boyfriend who just  
managed to break my heart again.  
  
Oh yeah, I can't forget the people who have a positively influence in my life. Like  
Wildefyre, Tenku's Girl, Cye's Girl, Acuamaine and my flip flops. 


End file.
